Trust me—you really don’t know what you’re missing.
Performance Appraisals
Real resumes and cover letters, originally published in Fortune Magazine, July 21,
1997, and found many times on Usenet.
- I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
- I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheet progroms.
- Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
- Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
- Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
- Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
- It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
- Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.
- You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
- Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
- I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
- I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
- I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
- As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
- Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
- Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.
- Marital status: often. Children: various.
- Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m.
every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
- The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers
- Finished eighth in my class of ten.
- References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report)
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasnt watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
- So dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this officer.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This page was last modified on Monday, 11-Oct-2004 20:05:42 PDT.
